I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
