I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
