Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
not ubering you a puppy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
