its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
