Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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