Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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