dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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