I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
