guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
