Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
