Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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