i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
