you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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