I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
