just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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