I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm both gender and math confused
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
