I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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