Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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