I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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