What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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