I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Girls should come with a carfax report
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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