the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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