I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
