I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
