my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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