I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
