a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
