I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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