My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
