I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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