you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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