I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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