At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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