mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
