My hand turned me down
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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