I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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