saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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