[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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