I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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