I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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