anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just want nice things and good sex
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
