ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
