Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
