What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
