dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
