Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
