I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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