Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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