I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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