please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
