Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
